Girl Talk: A Woman’s Opinion on Valentine’s Day

5.  We are vengeful bitches who hate people and only want all of the candy, flowers, and red hearts to ourselves. Other people should not be happy. Only us.

4.   Our [boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/partner/wife] is a person who does not have a romantic bone in his/her body. He/she seemed to have it when we first met him/her, but then once we declared that we were his/hers for life, it disappeared. Every year we hope and pray that this year will be the year that he/she will wise up and at least bring home a lovely card, or – hoping beyond hope – we’ll get taken out to dinner or perhaps serenaded with a boom box playing a Carly Rae Jepsen cover of “In Your Eyes.” But usually we are terribly disappointed, and we haven’t yet resorted to buying our own gifts and telling him/her what he/she got us.

3.  We have great disdain for holidays that have become commercialized. We prefer to show our love to our loved ones 24/7, 365 days a year, thankyouverymuch. We are loving, creative individuals who wear our hearts on our sleeves, and our loved ones know we love them. We don’t need Hallmark/tinyprints/1-800-Flowers to remind us to show we care.

2.  We are harried working mothers and the list of 24 classmates to whom we must address the ever-increasingly clever Valentines have just become one more pain in the ass on our to-do list. “Chloe? You don’t even like her,” we say to our precious child, as we vainly try to keep the list small enough that a store-bought box of Spongebob Squarepants Valentines will cover the day. Alas. Every asshole stay-at-home mom has one, two, and five-upped us with their Pinterest-inspired photo Valentines with candy heart lollipops inserted to look like Cupid hit their kids. Junior comes home with a bag full of paper and candy. When did Valentine’s Day become a red and white Halloween, anyway?

And the number one reason women hate Valentine’s Day is:

1.  We don’t have a [boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/partner/wife]. In the days leading up to and including Valentine’s Day, it suddenly seems like everyone we know is in a relationship, and every relationship looks wonderful and romantic. And all of the advertising that companies do to promote their Valentine’s Day specials sounds like it’s saying “Suck it, loser. You’re going to die alone.”

Top 5 Reasons Women Love Valentine’s Day

5.  One word:  a socially acceptable reason in American culture to eat chocolate.

4.  We are secretly crushing on a potential [boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/partner/wife] and this day gives us the perfect opportunity to tell him/her how we feel. And since we are clever and suave enough to have concealed our growing feelings for him/her all this time, we are also smart and creative enough to figure out an awesome way to express our crush, which will totally make him/her fall awesomely in love with us and we will live happily ever after. Also, we are optimists.

3.  We married or are dating a [boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/partner/wife] who is incredibly thoughtful and observant and takes great pains every year to make us feel like the delicate flower we really are. Or that we once were, at least back when we met him/her. On this day every year he/she really makes us feel special. Oh sure, we manage to swing by Rite Aid and pick out a funny-slash-naughty card that will make him/her chuckle, but that’s nothing compared to the awesome sex everyone is going to get later.

2.  We are mothers who enjoy seeing experiences through our children’s eyes. Also, making Valentines with our own two hands, which you can’t or wouldn’t really do if you didn’t have kids. Kids are such great excuses to whip out construction paper and glue sticks, aren’t they? We find the crafting process to be so relaxing. It’s like meditation, really. And when we’re done with all that crafty bonding, we have something adorable that we produced to share with our children, and our children can share it with their friends at school, and we will look like the awesome crafty mothers we are.

And the number one reason women love Valentine’s Day:

1.  It’s the one day every year that we are encouraged to stop what we’re doing and express our love to the people in our lives whom we love. Even if we don’t have a [boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/partner/wife], there are plenty of people we love. Also dogs.  Why not give our dogs a Valentine?  Don’t you judge us, happy coupled up people.  Everyone needs someone or something to love. We are giving, generous, selfless people who do far more for others than we do for ourselves, and so we relish this day for its sanctioned opportunity to show someone we care with no expectations. If we receive Valentines or gifts, that’s just icing on the cake.

This post’s playlist:

Fannin Street – Scarlett Johansson
Such Great Heights – Postal Service
My Little Bee – Minipop
I Am the Cosmos – Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson
Green Grass – Scarlett Johansson
I’m Yours – Jason Mraz
Clean Getaway – Maria Taylor
Fade Into You – Mazzy Star