Radio Show – Do Parents Live Vicariously Through Their Children?
First air date: Thursday, October 14, 2010
Featured guests:
Wayne Levine (BetterMen.org) for “The Men’s Room”
Pastor Drew Sams (Calvary Church, Westlake Village, CA) for “Teen Rap”
Lauren Kessler (LaurenKessler.com) discussing “The Teenage Brain”
The column referenced is, “Do Parents Live Vicariously Through Their Children?” Listen Now
Our teens love to surprise us with their latest brilliant idea and my 16-year-old didn’t disappoint the other day. Almost literally waiting at the door for my return home, he accosted me with the urgency only a hormonal teen can bring. “Dad, I hate high school and want to drop out and do independent study,” he declares.
I think I would’ve preferred, “Hey Dad, whas up?”
We sat down and he began his pitch. The fact that all this followed a recent social disaster at school he quickly dismissed as irrelevant. His rationale was that he is totally bored in high school, his teachers are boring, none of what he’s learning interests him, and he’d rather go back to home-schooling or “independent study,” as they call it at his high school.
I had lunch with a good friend the other day and the subjects we covered really made an impact on me, as I reflected on them. I had just come from a lesson in using social media, where I’m learning the new technologies that are popular in our culture now, such as Twitter, Facebook, Linkenin, Smart Phones, I-everythings, etc.
While I’m not a total novice, I do admit that every time a new “thing” comes out, it fills me with dread. I face having to learn it, figure it out, and even understand it. Frankly, I did not “get” Twitter at all until my lessons finally penetrated my middle-aged, failing hard-drive of a brain. And that was also after reading “Twitter for Dummies”–and I’m not kidding.
The parents of every generation expect and hope that their children can and will do better than they did. Ours may be the first generation, in a very long while, where it is both unlikely and unrealistic to have this expectation. This scarier world has just gotten much more complicated, much harder, and more competitive. I reflected on this in a conversation with a friend, about how much easier we believed it was for us, as we were starting out in life.
It is inescapable that America’s pre-eminence in the world is changing. Whether it’s the devaluation of our dollar as the standard currency or other factors, it is clear that we are weakening as the world’s super-power. The fall-out from this translates to our industries, our economy, and the opportunities our children will have.
Every holiday season brings both wonderful times and challenging family situations for most of us, my family included. This past holiday season included the first visit to our home of my in-laws, the first time my sons and I would be apart, and the first time my wife and I would be apart during this festive time of the year. Can I say I learned more about our relationships? You bet. Was it easy and fun? You be the judge.
Let’s start with the in-laws. Like many things, I had expectations about how we’d all relate and get along, mostly based on our previous visits together at their home in Vancouver, B.C. But, as I never seem to learn or remember, expectations rarely turn out as expected. In this case, I am very pleased to say they turned out better.
I went skiing this Winter Break and had a wonderful time. However, I couldn’t get over the hypocrisy I often witnessed with parents and their kids. For every parent I saw wearing a helmet and skiing or boarding with their kids, I saw another not wearing a helmet, demonstrating the classic case of “Do what I say, not what I do.”
This made me CRAZY. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I’ve been wearing a helmet for years. Like seat belts, it is truly going to be ubiquitous some day but, for now, it’s an optional accessory to many skiers and snowboarders. Excuse me!? How many people need to get paralyzed or killed before the average parent “gets it?”
It isn’t just a factor in Vegas. It’s a factor in everything in life. And, I believe it’s one of the biggest influences in how our kids turn out. Yes, every yuppie thinks they will do it better than every generation before and many of us do make parenting a bigger priority, but I assert raising kids takes luck!
Coming from a showbiz background, I saw how luck was a contributor to so many people’s success. Why did one actor “luck out” and get a career-making role like J.Lo in “Selena” while another whose name we don’t even remember got their “break” in what turned out to be a flop? Luck.
Cosmo, the wonderful Donald O’Connor star of “Singin’ In The Rain” sang “Make ‘Em Laugh” in that seminal musical number, but I say “Give ‘Em Luck,” for life and kid success. A little laughter along the way won’t hurt though. In fact, I’d suggest watching that number whenever you need a lift. We all know parents that have done everything “right” yet have kids who are addicts, failures at school, and more. We also know many lazy, lousy parents whose kids turned out great.
I don’t believe we should just rely on luck, but don’t discount it either. And, don’t beat yourself up when your kids disappoints and blame yourself or your spouse, or your divorce, or your own problems. That can make a difference, of course, and we all should do our best job at parenting. Luck is a non-negotiable, uncontrollable factor but, what do I know; I’m just a guy. But I will still assert – raising kids takes luck!
My family continues to be the best petri dish for ideas for my blog. My wife Loren often comments to “correct” me and straighten the record. On a recent family trip to visit her parents, a couple incidents occurred that raised the question of who comes first? – friends, the kids, her parents, me?
At dinner with one of her friends, she seemed to cater to the dietary desires of their kid, who is a vegetarian. Every dish, it seemed, had to be cleared with him. Now, there were 5 others of us, for this Chinese meal, but it felt like the only one that mattered was that boy. It was very clear who comes first in that family.
